FOR COUPLES

Intimate Conversations

We might tend to think that the types of conversations that will bring us closer as married couples are the warm fuzzy kind. But the reality is, when couples have tough conversations well, they can become even more intimately connected. Conflicts and disagreements can end in distance or they can end in a greater closeness. Times like we are having now warrant some attention to how you as a married couple can talk through these tough conversations in a way that builds your connection and intimacy.

In the last couple years, there have been a number of worldwide happenings that have brought up challenges for couples who come into my therapy office (or are on my computer screen lately). The Me-Too Movement, politics and all things regarding elections or Trump, Covid-19, and the most recent issues with social justice, racism, and worldwide protests: Each of these topics have the potential to create heated discussions in marriage. They also have the potential to deepen your relationship. Having conversations that result in connection can be particularly hard when you and your spouse hold opposing views or when one of you feels strongly about one of these tough topics and the other seems significantly less passionate, ignorant, or even uncaring (seems is an important word here – not all of us express ourselves the same way). How can you as a couple discuss these important issues in a way that unites you and brings you closer?

A few important reminders:

1) Breathe. 

When you are upset, angry, or distressed, either about an issue or in response to your spouse bringing up an issue, your body responds with a quickened heart rate and faster breathing. This kind of physical reaction is a God-given automatic response of the body when your brain thinks you’re in danger. When you are activated like this, it can be hard to remember that your partner is not the enemy. In order to remember that, breathe and let your body take a break or slow down. Note the amazing body God gave you and all those activated signals, and then take a breath. Adrenaline floods the body in less than a second when we are distressed and can take 20 minutes to come back down to normal levels. Take a breath and give your heart some time to rest in God.

2) Pray. 

Pray to have God’s heart about these issues. Remember, “You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed.” (Psalm 10:17-18). If you are the spouse who is feeling understandable anger, distress, or hopelessness about any of these issues, go to God with your distress. He hears and He cares. If you are the spouse whose partner is expressing passion and distress about these things, pray to have God’s heart both as you listen to your spouse and as they bring up their thoughts and feelings. And then make sure to pray together as a couple each night or each morning, lifting your hearts to God.

3) Soften Your Start Up.

Marriage researcher John Gottman recommends that when you are coming into a difficult conversation, use a softened start-up. If you are the partner who is feeling distress about one of these issues, you may be tempted to approach your spouse with an angry or attacking stance: “I know you think I’m (fill in the blank), but....” or “You really blew it when you said...” or “I know you hate when I bring this up, but can you believe.... “. These start-ups may lead to frustration rather than connection. Instead, consider starting with, “Hey, I know sometimes I can be a bit... but after reading/hearing/watching that, I’m feeling....” or “Hey, it was hard for me when you said...” or “Hey honey, I’m having a hard time with what is happening and I need to talk about it.” If you feel your spouse loves you, then you can usually be sure that they want to be your partner in dealing with whatever is happening. Consider the way you start the conversation.

4) Take a Time-Out.

You may be the one your spouse is coming to with distressed or passionate words and feelings and you aren’t sure how to respond. Make sure to breathe while they are sharing with you. Yes, consciously take breaths as they are talking. Your body is getting activated as you are hearing them and it can be hard to stay present or to listen when your own heart rate is up. It can also be a temptation to feel you have to answer them right away. They are bringing to you a deep concern they have about an important topic and you may feel you have to have a solution or immediately provide support. However, if you’re not in a great place to either support or empathize, you may need a break in order to get there. You may need to say to your spouse, “This is important and I really want to be able to understand what you’re sharing. I need to take a few minutes to get myself there in order to listen well. Can we continue this conversation in about 30 minutes?” Or in an hour, or after dinner, or tomorrow morning if it’s late. And if you ask for the time-out, use that time well to get yourself in a place of wanting to understand and listen, and then make sure that you are the one to come back and start the conversation again.

5) Ask Questions.

Your spouse may feel differently than you. Find out why. Be curious. “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4). Learn about your spouse’s view. Care about your spouse enough to understand why they see it the way they do. You don’t have to agree with them but you can ask them what have they experienced that brings them to that view. What have they read? What makes them feel that way? Before you come back with your view, ask them more questions about their view. “What did that bring up for you?” 

6) Validate.

Before you tell your spouse what you think, let them know you care about what they are expressing. Just a simple “this is important” can convey your love and care for your spouse and validates their importance to you, even if you think differently. You do not have to agree with your spouse. You can hug them though. 

7) Be partners in service.

All of these tough issues need Jesus. You are the salt of the earth and the light of the world. Talk together about how you can make a difference in the world. Serve together at a battered women’s shelter. Do the 21-day racial equity challenge together (https://www.eddiemoorejr.com/21daychallenge). Sign up to be contact tracers together or bring meals to the shut-in or elderly. Pray together about our world leaders. Be partners in how you respond to all these challenges regardless of the differing views you may hold.

Bottom line, when you share your thoughts with your spouse about social justice and racism, about mask wearing and the pandemic, about the upcoming election, or about sexual wrongs done to women, consider these scriptures:

“Speak the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15)

“Consider one another better than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)

“Mercy triumphs over judgment.” (James 2:13)

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (John 13:35)

With gratitude, Jennifer

For more information: see Jennifer’s book that has three chapters on conflict resolution: The Art of Intimate Marriage.